This morning I felt overwhelmed with unwanted thoughts and emotions.
On Sundays my husband and I spend a moment sitting on the porch in front of the house having what we call "Día de Café" ("Coffee Day"), which consists on sitting on a bench outside and have coffee (for him), and hot chocolate with unsweetened cacao, turmeric and black pepper (for me). Our cat Kali comes with us for a controlled outside adventure.
Before that, we do our personal practice together, in the yoga room.
Today my mind was racing more than it regularly is, so before my personal practice and "Día de Café", I felt the need to walk around the block before sunrise, which is what I do other days in the week.
The air was crisp and the light invited reflection and introspection; walking at a regular pace, not too slowly, not too quickly, helped to bring some clarity already, and I decided to "talk to my mother", who died 3 years ago, and who become a pretty good listener during my adulthood.
The walk became longer than usual, so that I could explain to her all that was bugging me, and things began to get organized like folded clothes in a closet, letting me see more clearly the spaces in between. A dead person can sometimes become a very good listener!
I came back home, lit the candle in my altar, sat on a cushion in front of it, and chanted. Then I did my usual pranayama, and my usual meditation.
Suddenly I felt that emotions began to crystalize, or should I say, liquify as copious tears, and I internally talked to my favorite deity, the one lit by a candle, asking for help.
After a long moment of letting my emotions flow, whatever they were, and surrendering to my beloved deity, I finally felt that my mind was ready to be more directable, more focused, and that I could be still.
Remember the movie "Meet Joe Black?", where Brad Pitt is Death, and wants to have a human experience? He is so curious and intrigued, and enjoys so much being in a human body, especially falling in love and eating peanut butter.
I love movies, and the memory of this one, plus other movies where angels have similar experiences, came to my meditation today.
Going over through stories and thoughts first, I could then, for a moment, take a step back and just feel them.
Then there it was. I felt like an angel or some kind of bodiless being must feel while having a human experience, and it was fun!
Something internally completely changed: "Oh... this is how worry, desire, joy, guilt feel!", I thought, "shame, feeling lonely, feeling grateful, feeling happy, doubt...this. This is what Feeling feels."
So interesting, so very cool: a spiritual being having, for a moment, a human experience. What a great opportunity!
In all those movies, that spiritual being - usually an angel - knows that they have to say goodbye. Even if it's interesting and fascinating, and they could get used to it, even if they fell for someone, they helped someone, they got attached to someone, or maybe even if they didn't do all they could or should have done... they know for sure that they have to say goodbye. Because they all ways, always know who they are.
For a moment, today, I knew, I remembered that.
My hot chocolate tasted so good, and my toast with almond butter. And the hike after that.
Gratitude.
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